the need to be numb.

it's quiet.
dark.
she's cold,
but she doesn't make a move,
to keep herself warm.
she lights a fire,
to her lucky cigarette;
making a wish,
as she inhales the first hit.
the wish,
to keep the pain away.
she traces fingers,
her fingers,
lightly across her arm.
across the red scars.
fresh from the night before.
fresh from a shard of glass.
she looks for something;
anything;
to numb the pain.
she tries intoxicating pills;
that only make her drowsy,
weak.
she longs for a high;
a high that numbs her pain.
she longs for a harsh substance;
a harsh drink;
an other-worldly experience..
just to get away.
her pain..
it's too much anymore.
last twilight,
as she dug,
the shard of glass,
into her skin..
she looked,
at the veins,
in her upper wrist.
she contemplated,
opening them.
opening,
the gateway to release.
opening,
the gateway to no more pain.
she couldn't.
she feels foolish,
because she couldn't.
she knew,
it would end the pain.
but....
she couldn't.
tonight,
she'll lie awake.
wishing the pain to go away.
praying to ma nawma sa'nok,
to keep her pain away.
though she knows it will be futile.
she'll fall asleep,
after hours,
of laying restlessly,
in her bed.
but she'll fall asleep,
with tears streaming down her face.
before she does, she'll pray.
oe srung, ma nawma sa'nok. srung tìsraw txìng oe. rutxe, ma sa'nok. rutxe.

(translation; help me, Great Mother. help the pain abandon me. please, Mother. please.)