I still feel myself fading; the everyday amusements I busy myself with becoming tedious, not enough. I make excuses for myself; but at the end of the day, that's all they are. Excuses.

the need to be numb.

it's quiet.
dark.
she's cold,
but she doesn't make a move,
to keep herself warm.
she lights a fire,
to her lucky cigarette;
making a wish,
as she inhales the first hit.
the wish,
to keep the pain away.
she traces fingers,
her fingers,
lightly across her arm.
across the red scars.
fresh from the night before.
fresh from a shard of glass.
she looks for something;
anything;
to numb the pain.
she tries intoxicating pills;
that only make her drowsy,
weak.
she longs for a high;
a high that numbs her pain.
she longs for a harsh substance;
a harsh drink;
an other-worldly experience..
just to get away.
her pain..
it's too much anymore.
last twilight,
as she dug,
the shard of glass,
into her skin..
she looked,
at the veins,
in her upper wrist.
she contemplated,
opening them.
opening,
the gateway to release.
opening,
the gateway to no more pain.
she couldn't.
she feels foolish,
because she couldn't.
she knew,
it would end the pain.
but....
she couldn't.
tonight,
she'll lie awake.
wishing the pain to go away.
praying to ma nawma sa'nok,
to keep her pain away.
though she knows it will be futile.
she'll fall asleep,
after hours,
of laying restlessly,
in her bed.
but she'll fall asleep,
with tears streaming down her face.
before she does, she'll pray.
oe srung, ma nawma sa'nok. srung tìsraw txìng oe. rutxe, ma sa'nok. rutxe.

(translation; help me, Great Mother. help the pain abandon me. please, Mother. please.)

Avatar related and Na'vi prose.

the sanguine stained blade falls to the ground as the wielder of the sword runs off.
all she can think, all she can feel, is pain.
but then she realizes.. this is a good thing.
she won't be a burden to the people who supposedly care for her.
she closes her eyes, shaking violently against the cold rain,
and against the pain of the wound that'd been inflicted.
and, of course, against the internal pain.
a chill runs through her, ruffling her coat as the wind blew harshly.
the rain comes down in pelts, soaking everything in it's path.
she closes her eyes, letting the rain coat her fur.
she joined this battle for one reason.
and that reason is going to be filled, in just minutes.
collapsing, she looks up at the dark rain clouds,
ignoring the rain hitting her left eye.
she has been there for years now,
this place has become her only sanctuary.
the new gash in her side bleeds profusely,
and she opens her eyes, looking up at the rain once more.
"irayo ngaru sivi, ma nawma sa'nok. oehu ye'rìn."
(thank you, Great Mother. I'll be with you soon.)
she smiles at the skies, inhales deeply,
and then closes them for the last time.

-


a painful, strenuous time ahead of her,
she speaks to the goddess in Na'vi, alone in her room and her bed.
she begs for help, she begs for strength.
she begs to feel better.
she wants to feel better.
she knows what is keeping her from it,
besides when she uses it to make her happy.
because that is what seems like the only thing to work.
so she pleads with the great mother,
asking for help, to find her way back to the light,
to find her true place in the world.
tonight, she will not fall asleep easily,
nor will she sleep easily.
and she will not try to go to sleep for a long time for this reason.
but, again, she will pray before she tries to rest her eyes.
ma nawma sa'nok, rutxe, pelun sivi oer.
(Great Mother, please, help me.)

caught in the rain. [poem]

burn down my heart;
this soul is left with a broken part.
leave me in ashes,
connect it all, and it mashes.

I am running away from this life;
I want it away.
all I'm left with is the greatest strife;
but nothing will sway.

I am fading faster now;
this pain is the same.
I will leave with a final bow,
as I'm caught in the rain.

take down my walls;
let me leave, let me crawl.
hurt this heart once more;
there's nothing left to make it soar.

I will run away from here;
I will run away.
I will run from the pain that sears;
I will not sway.

as I leave the pain behind me,
this heart still bleeds.
and I know that though I'll run through the trees,
things'll stay as they seem.

the pain remains the same.
all that I'm left with is broken shame.
I need an angel soon;
but I know that all she can do
is just watch from the moon.

some prose paragraphs with different themes.

some unrelated prose paragraphs.


- agonized cries echo through the streets as the bombs continue to drop. gunfire deafens those who run for cover. a mother weeps for her child, dead and bloody in her arms. through the misery upon the village, a rainbow is visible in the sky.

- paradise cannot exist. not in this world, not with the hate we now live with. our species is feared, yet thought to be long gone. we have to hide from those who want us dead; those who know we still exist. there is no such thing as paradise.
(based on the anime Wolf's Rain)

- my finger is tightening on the trigger before I feel her rip it from my hands, smashing it to the ground. "What did you do?!" I scream at her, sobbing. he comes up behind me and hugs me. "I want to die," I sob. "I wanna die."

- (this one is half in Na'vi) "Srung sivi oer, ma nawma sa'nok. Rutxe," I cry, kneeling in front of the brilliant tendrils of Utraya Ramunong. "Oer kea tsun rivey.. rutxe, oehu frakrr, ma Eywa.."(she says 'help me, great mother. please. I cannot live.. please be with me, Eywa.)

- hold still as the pain rips through you.
hold still as the knife slips from you.
hold still as you pull the trigger.
hold still as you scream.
hold still as you laugh.
hold still as you cry.
hold still as you murder.
hold still as you die.

- the mockingbird sings. beckons its mate. leaves rustle underneath gentle footsteps. a feather floats in the breeze. a baby turtle finds its way to the sea. not a hundred feet out, a dolphin mourns its murdered babies' loss in a sea of blood.

[REDACTED]

this is something I wrote today. [REDACTED] will be used to replace word/s I am not comfortable showing publicly. not 100 words, but eh. oh well.

--

I regret that I annoyed her so much.
Send her pathetic [REDACTED],
that were never returned.
But when she did say something...
She made my heart melt.
I did not expect someone like her;
Someone so sought after, so beautiful, so [REDACTED], so perfect,
would give me a second glance.
But she did,
and it means the world to me.
But I took it for granted,
I kept telling her my most private thoughts,
and no matter what I said;
nothing. 
maybe I understand.
I mean, she is [REDACTED] so much;
she cannot possibly be able to [REDACTED].....
right?